THE BATMAN (2022)

if you added the og animated batmite, this would have been my ideal batman film

FADE IN:

narration

saturday, march 19th. i've been convinced i should go see the batman-- it's cold, it's early, i am tired. but i won't complain. my expectations are low, but not as low as they should be. i hold onto what little hope i have, praying for a miracle. there's a gun on my hip. you can't trust the crazies who walk in to shoot up theaters-- but then i think to myself, am i the crazy one? after all, i just spent $12.50 and my entire saturday seeing this piece of shit. but hey, at least the company is worth it.

i saw the batman last weekend with the same guys i see a movie with about twice a year. we keep adding dudes to the list and the group always seems to vibe. in the past, we've seen the craig bonds-- this time around, it was batman. i'm pulling for a superpets trip next go round, but i'll settle for another cars movie or a 3rd finding nemo film because either of those would be better than this dumpster fire. 

 i'm warning you now that this blog post is going to be fairly lengthy. it's going to have spoilers, and it may toe the line of vulgar. in order to truly express how much this thing sucked, it requires certain language that isn't for the faint of heart. parents, tuck your kids in-- unless you’re wILLING to expose them to the cash grab scheme that warner bros. is running with this hunk of shit.

 i'll preface this review with this-- around the 90 minute mark, It was time for a bathroom break. I was sitting between Joe Fish and my new buddy Rocco-- a real cool dude from New Jersey with a new kid along the way this month-- so send him some good wishes. There was a tender embrace between Bobby Pattinson and Zoe Kravitz which was AS predictable as the ending of any of the AIR BUD movies, or a Tom Brady SUPER BOWL-- the second their lips made contact, I stood up, let out an audible "Well, this blows" hopped over the railing in front of us, and walked out of there-- the guys later compared it to John Wilkes Booth letting out a "Sic Semper Tyrannis!" before assassinating Lincoln-- in retrospect, that's exactly what it looked like. If this is the greatest part of my legacy, then I know that I've lived a fulfilled life. 

 Without further ado, Here is my review of The Batman (2022).

 Our story begins on halloween night and we see a first-person view of somebody staring into the windows of the Mayor of Gotham City’s residence-- presumably, the view is either from The Batman or the Riddler-- We later find it’s the Riddler. He sneaks into the residence and kills the mayor. His MO becomes murdering corrupt city officials with ties to organized crime and corruption, leaving notes on his victims for the Batman. Lt. Gordon is clearly working close with Batman, though his superiors aren’t stoked about this alliance. When Gordon responds to the crime scene, he invites Batsy to come investigate with him. Bruce Wayne has clearly not worn this suit much because it’s not broken in and he cannot turn his head to save his life-- he moves around like Ralphy’s little brother when he puts on his snowsuit in A Christmas Story.

“WELL, THIS BLOWS.”

-me

The film instantly gives off Neo-Noir detective vibes, but that charm is quickly lost as we find the scenery is dated to be current, even slightly futuristic, in a sense. Some Nirvana song starts to play (Don’t get me started on Matt Reeves’ weird obsession with Cobain and drawing inspiration from him to play Bruce Wayne-- It’s a genuine slap in the face to the character but whatever, I think Matt Reeves sucks in everything he’s worked on except for that first Planet of the Apes film. Also worth noting: Cloverfield, which put him on the map, was just bad) We hear some voice-over from Bruce Wayne’s journal where he talks about crime and how somebody needs to combat it, except it just sounds like some edgy emo bullshit from a kid who hates his dad. Luckily, They saved some money on shooting because I think they just took footage from the Riots of 2020— the city in complete disarray, overcome by anarchy. Now I know how those rioters all paid their bail, it’s the royalties from this thing. 

Anyways, Batman and Gordon start solving the RIDDLER'S first riddle which leads them to the dead Mayors car. Inside, they find a thumb drive— attached to it is the MAYOR'S severed thumb. The Riddler is witty— I like that. On the thumb drive are photos of the Mayor along with a young gal outside of a club— I’m sure he was just offering her a ride home or something because you know, bureaucrats are good people. The photos lead them to a club operated by the infamous Penguin. Batman goes in alone, and smashes some guys faces in-- he seems a little more comfortable in his suit, but there’s still a stiffness to him. The penguin eventually calms Batsy down without being upset that he just rocked a couple dudes who work for him— They sit down to talk. The penguin pleads ignorance about the girl in the photos, but Batman notices the waitress serving them looks at the photos sort of funny. As Batsy is leaving, he follows the waitress into the backroom where he starts to question what information she has— If you squint enough, the screen will brighten up and it’ll start to make a little more sense. 

let me write, produce, and direct the sequel

Batsy follows the waitress home where he watches her change into Catwoman through her window— I honestly forgot how Batman and Catwoman team up but somehow, Batman ends up in her apartment where he sees bills and eviction notices piled up— her budgeting skills are portrayed when she puts on this incredibly fancy one-piece costume, but instead of a mask, she wears a black beanie with the eyes cut out along with a chinstrap. He later finds out the girl in the photo with the mayor who is now missing was her roommate. They come up with a plan for her to wear a real high-tech contact lens that will identify folks inside the club where Batsy will watch from his Batcave. Also, for some reason, he treats Alfred like shit. 

Inside this exclusive club run by mob-guru Carmine Falcone are corrupt cops and various corrupt city officials. It turns out, Batsy smashed some of their faces in nights prior. Amongst the corrupt city officials is the DA, Gil Colson. Upon leaving the club, The Riddler sneak attacks him once he gets in his car to go home— he places a collar bomb on his neck and sends him to interrupt the Mayors funeral the next day— he’s really putting the fun in funeral. 

The morning after, an emo Bruce Wayne is walking into the funeral where some gal running for Mayor corners him to ask why rich boy isn’t helping to clean up the city. Bruce Wayne looks like an anxious little fella and does a little hair flip as he excuses himself to go look at the Mayors young son, sitting in front of his casket. Clearly, he sees himself in the kid. Anyways, a car comes smashing through the doors of the church which doesn’t really make much sense because there’s a GIGANTIC security detail outside the church and a lot of steps, along with a string of cars waiting to be valeted— the concrete columns probably would have been a deterrent, but hey, suspend your disbelief. Bruce Wayne runs to cover the Mayors young son from danger. Colson eventually gets out of the car with the collar bomb and his hands up— the phone in his hand is ringing, presumably a call from the Riddler about to make some demands. Hours pass, the bomb squad is doing their thing, and then, out of the shadows, Batman slowly approaches— I finally pieced this together: he moves so god damn slow because his boots are heavy which explains the loud thumping whenever he approaches a dangerous situation. It’s a miracle he gets anywhere on time, but I’m going to start using that as an excuse whenever I am late— “Sorry I didn’t get here on time, It’s just that these damn shoes are like 14 pounds.”

Batsy approaches the literal ticking time bomb where Colson is crying— Now, it’s a little sadistic to say I enjoyed watching Colson cry but there’s something about a corrupt DA pleading for his life that makes my heart all warm inside. Batsy answers and the Riddler asks Colson three riddles to defuse the bomb— the first two are a smashing success, but he refuses to answer the third because it would give up an informant that led to the success of a drug-bust that ended mobster Maroni’s operation. The seconds COUNTDOWN to zero and the bomb explodes, blowing Colsons head into a billion pieces around the church. Somehow, Batman, who was 6 INCHES from Colsons face at the time of the detonation is blown back 50 feet where he wakes up UNSCATHED. I can only suspend the disbelief for so long until I am forced to throw the bullshit flag.

Batsy wakes up in a holding cell surrounded by cops that are just yelling like school-kids on a playground— Amongst them are Lt. Gordon who is still defending BATMAN'S actions. (I really love Jeffrey Wright and I could never speak ill of him— he is the highlight of this film, if you want to call it one) Gordons superiors are adamant Batman has crossed a line and that he needs to be reigned in. Gordon convinces the guys to give him a minute alone with him. He whispers that they need to find a way to get him out of here where he promptly tells Batsy to punch him in the face as he gives him instructions on how to escape the holding cell— The group of cops watches as he lands a solid punch to Gordons face. He races out of the holding cell on one side as cops begin to rush in on the other. A chase through police HQ takes place where Batman gets to the roof and jumps off, first attempting to use his wind suit. He basically smashes into a bridge traveling at a very high speed yet somehow walks away from it. 

“I really didn’t think it was terrible, I just thought it was really bad.”

-also me

Gordon and Batsy meet at their usual spot to talk strategy. They conclude that the informant might be the Penguin where they track him down to a drug deal in progress. Little do they know, Catwoman is also attending the drug deal, where, surprise surprise, she screws everything up. A gun fight ensues and we’re first introduced to the Batmobile— which looks to be based on an early dodge charger. The DIY look of this batmobile makes it one of my favorites. It pays homage to pure American muscle which, i think, it should. The Penguin flees the scene where we see an intense car-chase take place. If you like mindless violence and action, you’ll certainly enjoy this part. They [Batsy and Gordon] eventually catch the Penguin where he cracks a couple of jokes about them being too stupid to decipher the Riddle properly and they find out he was not the informant.

The movie thus far is honestly just an adult version of Dora the Explorer with Batman being Dora, Gordon being Boots, and The riddler being whatever the foxes name is— I think it’s Sly? EDIT: It is Swiper. 

Their journey brings them to an abandoned Orphanage funded by Thomas and Martha Wayne and we find out that the Riddler has a hardcore grudge against the Waynes— Some genius detective work here on Batsy’s part. He realizes a letter is on the way to his mansion addressed to him. As he’s racing home to beat Alfred from opening it, he sees smoke billowing out of his penthouse— Alfred opened the letter bomb addressed to Bruce Wayne and it exploded in his face. As we already found out, Batman is immune to face explosions so it’s a shame he didn’t get there first. The Riddler leaks evidence that Thomas Wayne was actually semi-corrupt. 

Bruce Wayne continues to treat Alfred like shit even as the guy is laying in a hospital bed recovering from what was definitely the most traumatic event of his life, confronting him for never telling him that Thomas Wayne, his father, may have done some shady things. Alfred explains to Bruce that his father was not corrupt, but he was involved in a situation that got out of hand which resulted in the death of a journalist— Oops. When Tom Wayne threatened to go to the police to turn himself in for his part, Falcone had him killed to silence him. 

At some point, Catwoman and Batman are devising a plan where she goes off on a rant about privilege and how the white rich elitists like Bruce Wayne don’t stand up for the city and it’s absurd crime— little does she know that Bruce Wayne is literally under the mask and has gotten his ass handed to him trying to get to the bottom of her friends disappearance— she shoots her entire argument in the foot with this but that honestly didn’t bother me that much— it was the stupid, tender embrace when they kissed where I got up, let out a vocal “Well, this blows.” and walked out of the theater for a bathroom break. I HATE predictable storytelling and i hate it even more when somebody likes it. 

My god, we’re almost out of this.

Catwoman admits that Falcone is her father and decides that she’s going to kill him once she finds out that he strangled her friend. Batman and Gordon have to chase her there and they get there just in time to stop her. The HIGHLIGHT of this film, and I mean this genuinely, is a scene where Batman comes up in the elevator where he has to combat Falcone’s armed henchmen in a dark hallway as the lights have gone out— Hiding on the ceiling of the elevator, he jumps down to ambush these guys. The ONLY light source for this scene are the muzzle flashes off the henchmen’s guns— Batman beats the hell out of the guys and I was blown away by that— that scene alone makes me glad I came back in after my John Wilkes Booth incident. As Falcone is taken out in handcuffs, The Riddler shoots him and we find out he lived just footsteps outside the club where the corrupt city officials have been meeting this whole time. 

The Riddler is caught, unmasked, and sent to Arkham Asylum— he’s upset that he failed to kill Bruce. Paul Dano plays a fantastic incel and he clearly drew intense inspiration from Heath Ledgers Joker in The Dark Knight. Anyways, Batman visits him at Arkham where he goes on this convoluted rant about him and Batman working together where Batsy tells him he’s a psychopath— the true move of a diplomat. You thought this was done here, right? 

Nope, because why the FUck would it be? DC & the kind folks at warner bros. already took your money, and they know all know that we’re a bunch of chumps so this DRAGS on for another 20 minutes. 

Batman goes back to the Riddlers apartment to find he stationed car bombs around Gothams seawall along with an entire army of incels ready to wreak havoc on the city once they detonate. Somehow, they gain access to the rafters at Gotham Square Garden where folks are sheltering as the city begins to flood. Oh yeah, remember that young gal running for Mayor who confronts Bruce Wayne at a funeral? She’s mayor-elect. You know what else she’s going to do? Calm all these folks gathering in the Garden, because, you know, “nobody ever does the right thing in this city” — this cliched writing is so god damn lazy and if you fall for it, you’re a DOUBLE chump. 

Gordon tells her not to go out to the podium because it’s not safe— what does she do? She goes out to the podium…..

and gets shot. 

The bombs detonate and the city starts to flood— water bursts into the arena and the shooting starts. Batman climbs the rafters and starts pummeling the dudes, Catwoman shows up to bail his ass out as he’s hanging on for dear life— he injects himself with an adrenaline syringe and basically turns into a weird Hulk-Batman hybrid, breaking a dudes face before Gordon calms him down. The gunmen are taken out, and Batsy cuts a live electric wire that’s going to kill a bunch of civilians in the water below. Batman goes over to move the fallen debris that lets people free who are stuck and he lights a road flare that he’s been carrying with him this entire time, I’m assuming in case the Batmobile ever broke down. The mayor-elect who was just shot is suddenly fine and they follow him out of the water. It kinda reminded of the baptism scene in O Brother, where art thou?  Batman gives his ending dialogue over the same Nirvana song we opened with, Catwoman and Batsy have their last tender embrace and they part ways after a weird cat and mouse game on their motorcycles. 

Even with all of this, I’m missing a lot— If you want to discuss this in depth, hit my email and I’ll gladly respond. All in all, the last 15 minutes feels like a really long national guard ad, the emo Kurt Cobain-Bruce Wayne is a sign that Reeves just has real weird taste, this was so much closer to being a bad film than being a good film, and it would have been a perfect 10 if they just added an animated Batmite over the screen every 30 minutes with a quick recap of what just happened. I really didn’t think it was terrible, I just thought it was really bad.